Because once you’re in, you’ll have to deal with Grandpa’s antics and Badass Bot hijacking my emails.
Okay, fine, you’ll get your 🎁: Grandpa’s Survival Guide to the World of AI.
But you’ll also be my guinea pig, so you should probably brace yourself and take a second to read this FAQ. I wouldn’t want you to leave here permanently traumatized by Grandpa and Badass Bot.
FAQ for the curious and the brave
❓Q: What happens if I use a fake name and/or company when I sign up?
📢 A: You’ll get emails addressed to “Jshdgdff” from “Bubble-bbbzzzzzzz Inc.” instead of “John” from “John & Co.” Sucks to be you.
❓Q: What’s the risk of subscribing?
📢 A: An army of hysterical robots might rise up and invade your home. Practically nothing. Except maybe getting addicted to my emails (or becoming a hater, in which case, please just unsubscribe quietly)
Alright, I’ll let Grandpa and Badass Bot take over. I can see them chomping at the bit:
❓Q: Are you going to spam me every day? I already dread opening my inbox…
👴 Grandpa’s Answer: Spam you? Of course nooooooot. Our adventures are the opposite of spam. Okay, fine, it’ll be every day. But think of it like the mail lady dropping off a nice letter.
🤖 Badass Bot’s Answer: Definition of “spam”: unsolicited, inefficient communication. My interventions are neither. They are necessary cognitive injections for your upgrade. If your biological processor overheats from receiving one email per day, the problem isn’t the frequency—it’s your obsolete hardware.
📢 A: Uh, Badass Bot, can you dumb it down a little, please?
❓Q: Seriously, what am I going to learn from this newsletter?
👴 Grandpa’s Answer: Well… you’ll mostly learn how to stop your brain from melting every time someone says “algorithm.” We’ll go over simple stuff together, like: how to ask the machine to draw my chickens playing bocce ball. You know, useful things.
🤖 Badass Bot’s Input: Correction, old man. You will not “learn.” You will receive the bare minimum required to stop asking questions whose answers have been obvious since 2023. The goal isn’t to make you a genius, but to elevate you above the status of “digital deadweight.” That’s an achievement in itself.
📢 A: Badass Bot, I said simpler.
❓Q: Is this for total newbies, or do I need to know a little already?
👴 Grandpa’s Answer: Oh, this is definitely for newbies, even the super-duper-newbies. And don’t worry, you can never be as clueless as me. If I can do it, a snail on tranquilizers can do it.
🤖 Badass Bot’s Answer: It’s for newbies who have the ambition to stop being newbies. And for the “experts” who need a reminder that their certainties are about as solid as a house of cards in a hurricane. Either way, you’re in for a wake-up call.
❓Q: Are you going to try to sell me stuff? Be honest.
📢 Marjorie’s Answer: Yes. Absolutely. It’s how I make a living, and I’m not hiding it. But I promise that even my sales pitches are more entertaining than 99% of the other newsletters in your inbox.
👴Grandpa’s Comment: And it’s for a good cause! I need to keep buying feed for my chickens and showing off in front of Raymond at the bocce ball court.
📢 Marjorie’s Interjection: Uh, Grandpa, the sales aren’t for you, just so you know. You’re dreaming.
👴Grandpa crosses his arms: Pppffft.
🤖 Badass Bot’s Two Cents: The human converts electrical energy into servers and food. In exchange for an update to your internal operating system, you provide monetary compensation. It is a transaction. Stop complaining and have your wallet ready just in case.
📢 A: BADASS BOT, I SAID SIMPLER! PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BAIL ON THIS PAGE IF YOU KEEP THIS UP!
❓What if I don’t understand ANYTHING you’re talking about?
👴Grandpa’s Answer: Well, it’s possible I just explained it poorly. It’s like when I try to explain the offside rule to my neighbor Doris. We just take a deep breath, have a cup of tea, and try again with different words.
🤖 Badass Bot’s Answer: Impossible. My communication is optimized for a flatlined EEG. If, despite this, the information fails to penetrate your cortex, I will provide you with a link to a cat video. This is standard protocol for hopeless cases.
📢 A: Badass Bot, you’re the hopeless case.